Whenever I feel these urges, I reach for my... phone. I've heard about this thing called phone-sex, but somehow, I haven't found an appropriately shaped Nokia. So I talk it to death. I mean, nothing kills an urge faster than talking with my friends who have children below the age of five. Two seconds into the conversation, you hear a tiny voice in the background saying, "Mommy, I think I stuck a coin up my nose..."
But for those days when I'm really alone, I think of my ex. And then I fall instantly asleep. That would be my first ex boyfriend of course. Thinking of the second one just makes me giggle uncontrollably. I mean, size does matter sometimes, right? Oh, okay size matters only when its under four or over eight. And by that, I mean inches. I haven't gone metric there yet. Too tough to think in terms of centimeters. Some don't even make it that far. Mili is all they will ever be when they're excited.
So yeah... masturbation is man's best friend. But for women -- or for me anyway -- I get kinda picky and obsessive. I've heard about dildos of course. But I've also heard about the Chinese toy warning that toxic paints are being used on them, and that sort of killed the buzz for me. And lets not talk about my nail polish either. Or my nail polish remover.
So porn for me is out too. Its like reading a menu and then being told by the waiter that they're fresh out of everything you want. I think that's what happened to my old television set. I busted its screen. I mistook it for a waiter.
I was told that blogging is like masturbation, but I found out that the endings aren't the same. Oh well...
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